October, 2016

Exactly a year ago, on this same weekend, I was staring out into my balcony for nearly a whole day because I thought I’d lose a friend that I’d just gotten close to for two weeks. Two weeks, that’s nothing. Exactly. Nothing. Except my insides twisted and my body ached. This friend was different. This person was something different. Someone I just knew I’d have many more stories with.

It’s one year later and I’ve moved away from the beautiful condo into a cozy smaller house. No stargazing. No balcony to stare out to anymore. The friend‘s still in my life- far away now but I don’t really care anymore. I do care, it’s just the kind of thing not worth thinking about anymore. I’ve found a new friend though. This ones’ different. Everyone’s different. This one’s just easy going. More open to the world and people. He’s a lot like me. We are so alike in so many ways. But I’m not caring much. Don’t want to feel things too deep anymore, it’s just as it is… All I’m worrying though on this very weekend is my math test tomorrow.

There was a week in April where all I did was listen to ‘What If I Go’ by Mura Masa. It was the kind of song that just made me happy, the kind of song that told me everything in my life right now feels enough. It was the kind of song that made me twirl and laugh to myself in the middle of the street. Good vibes. 6 months later and it’s 12am and I’m listening to it and it’s like I’m back. I’m back to April. I can smell the aura. The feeling of a familiar hand wrapped around a waist. I can still see everything. Green eyes squinting at me. I don’t want to listen to it often. I don’t like the butterflies buzzing in my stomach.

Three  years ago, I heard the news of ‘D’ being admitted to intensive care after a brutal collision in one of Jakarta’s highway that killed a few people. D comes from a very well known family; musician and entrepreneur dad, singer mum, and singer stepmum. A celebrity family. He was 13 and driving the car that hit another car and killed a few people. My first thoughts were ‘at least he’s still whole.’ At least his parents still have their son as a whole. At least his stepmum and little sister can watch him come home. At least his brothers can tease him once more… not thinking of the families that lost their loved ones to a thirteen year old who drove under aged over speed limit.

Today I rewatched the videos and documentaries of the incident and my heart goes out to the families that lost their father, maybe only son, whoever was killed that barely anyone paid attention too. And my heart goes out for D too. And his parents.

How can you accept the death of your loved one just because your son got killed by a thirteen year old who has parents whos’ name is known all over? I’m sorry you lost your Michael. I’m sorry you lost your only Michael. I’m sorry the family responsible to the death of Michael did nothing but apologized and paid for everything that went with it. I understand that apologies and money do not heal wounds. I’m also sorry that maybe tonight you might be crying because you wish to hug your only Michal except he’s not here, and D and his family on the other hand, is eating dinner happily with no thought that a member of their family is responsible for the deaths of many people. And to D- I’m sorry you have to live life with a guilt that you took a few people’s life from just one mistake. And to his parents, I’m sorry there was nothing you could do but feel sorry and take as much responsibility for one mistake your kid did. And if you see this D, I don’t care, I want you to know this is how I feel. I know a lot of people know of this incident but I’m not going to the reveal the name because I’m positive I might see you this summer so if you ever come to read this, D, I don’t care, I’ll tell you everything I just said here in person if I haven’t yet.

I was 12 when I stumbled across the saying ‘Airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls. And hospital walls have heard more prayers than church halls.’ I never quite understood this until I felt how painful it was to have someone leave and know you might never see them again. I see it happen so much now that I might be immune to people moving. They can say the same about me too. I’ve also never realized how big praying for someone’s health was until I walked hospital halls one day and saw the number of people sitting down in front of surgery rooms in tears.

My parents always said “how sad” whenever people’s divorce news arise and I never understood why divorce was such a big thing until I sat in my fourth grade seat and saw my teacher stare out in tears after finding out her marriage of over a decade is ending. I never understood then, but I understand now. I understand that people can go emotionally drained when the person they love don’t want to be with them anymore. Sometimes it’s not even not wanting to be with them anymore but simply because they want to but their heart cannot.

A week ago, one of my best friends halfway across the world called out for me in tears because her best friend of an ex boyfriend is no longer the best friend she had and some truths were just told. It never gets easier. Whether you’re 14, 17, 24, 38 or 51- heartbreaks don’t feel less harder. You just kind of get used to it… even when you’re the nicest person ever, because my friend is a beautiful person and I guess things just happen to good people, to the strongest people.

And spending too much adult days with my mum and her friends every summer, I find that some people go through life with only one marriage and then that is it. They don’t want to love again and their only world is their kids. I don’t know, maybe it hurts too much… Or they just haven’t found someone as amazing as the last person they gave their heart to. Everyone has different reasons. I saw that when we visited my mum’s friend in the middle of a divorce this summer. Not only divorce, just losing someone you love hurts. Reminds me of two summers ago when my mum, her middle school friend and I waited for the train to come one Saturday night and her friend talked about the time her husband passed away. It’s 10 years later and her son is her world.

Two weekends ago, I was at a café with a few of my friends and my black friend ordered a drink when the waitress immediately asked for money. ‘I haven’t paid’, I said. My friend Amirah said, too. The waitress doesn’t care. He still insisted for money and only to my black friend. When I asked my black friend how he feels about it as it was the most racist thing I’ve seen in so long, all he said was “bas chill its okay, it happens all the time. what do you want me to do?”

A few weeks ago, my Caucasian friend told me ‘maybe it’s cuz I’m white, yeah it’s cuz I’m white’ to why the girl he wants doesn’t feel the same way and it saddens me because I’ve felt like him too. That I’ve felt that people didn’t want me because of my skin color. Or the reason why I didn’t get invited to a certain party. But I wish more people understood that not everything is because of a skin color and maybe some things are because it is. Some things are it is what it is.

I’ve lost friends. People lose friends all the time. But it’s different when you get older. Sometimes you lose friends you thought you would have forever but some things are just worth shrugging for. Unexpected things happen more often too the older you grow.

Ever since I started middle school, the same kind of things kept circling back into my life. Not the same situations  (THANK GOD), but the same kind of things. People. Family. Love. Feelings. Happiness. I don’t really care much about everything else. I guess it just doesn’t stop. My mum always told me that no one goes through life without struggles, yes people have different problems, but problems depending on how well you can handle them. Some have it easier than others. She always told me  that if you’re facing problems then that means you are living. It’s okay to feel unwanted feels. You have to experience.

I had a very down morning a few days ago and I was walking to my class when I read “It’s not abot letting go because if you could, you would… but it’s about letting it be.” And maybe that’s it. Some things are just meant to be.

I don’t know, a lot of things happen to a lot of people. I thought about a lot of things this month and I just felt like jotting them down. This year just feels like the year of realizing things. Last year was definitely not a year of realizing things. It was too jolly to be that. It’s interesting the things I saw and knew at 9 became something different at 16.

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